My Spidy Senses Are Tingling

I HATE Spiders.
Oh you to?
Yeah NOT AS MUCH AS ME!

If a spider makes itself seen to me that is a capital offence and it is the death penalty for sure! No catching it in a glass jar and taking it outside. It has smelt my fear and will come back to me in my sleep with all of its little spider friends and my ghost will just let them in to my room and they will lay spider eggs in my brain and I will die. Probably.

I'm not this hateful to all creatures. If a moth is in my house I don't freak out and scream. It's a moth. It's not scary! It flies majestically like a butterfly and doesn't scurry like a spider. I will catch a Moth and let it outside. By most girls I know standards I'm pretty unafraid of bugs. If there is a cockroach I'm usually the one that will take it out. I also move snails off busy paths so they don't get crushed. See I am a nice person...But spiders is where I fall apart. Why? Horror Stories.

First off I live in Australia. I don't live in the outback but I don't like knowing that my country has at least 12 deadly species of spiders (I stoped reading the website after I realized that the spiders moved and even that made me jump)

Horror Story 1:
When Jamie* was young Jamie reached up into an outdoor Bird Feeder to put some seed in. Jamies hand touched the surface and found that this was no ordinary bird feeder it was in fact a spiders nest in disguise (see how sneaky they are! This is why they should be killed). Said spiders then decided to run down Jamies arms! Loads of them! And this is just here say but I wouldn't be surprised if they were bird eating spiders (oh yeah we have those and they are GIANT. I mean they eat birds!)





Horror Story 2:
Sandy* was playing with a spider (seriously who plays with a spider? Jackass) and obviously the spider was getting pretty annoyed (I know I was!). All of a sudden the spider gets up on its back legs in attack position, it was wearing freaking boxing gloves. Sandy backs off but the spider moves TOWARDS Sandy. What played out next was like a horror movie. The spider followed Sandy and was running so fast. Then we lost track of the spider and it appeared on the kitchen table. I of course was standing in the corner on a chair. Eventually the spider met its much deserved death.


Horror Story 3:
I was lying under the Christmas Tree one year like they did in the Baby Sitters Club Christmas Movie (don't judge me). When I thought to myself: What is this strange glittery moving decoration?
I'll tell you what it was. A spider web. With hundreds of spiders moving along it that had just hatched from the nest that was bought in with the tree. I screamed "HUNDREDS OF SPIDERS" and immediate emergency aide was running in prepared for war.
Last year we had a fake- spider free- tree.

Horror Story 4:
I don't usually turn on the light when I have to get up to go to the bathroom in the night. So I was walking down the hallway and suddenly I stopped. I looked down and there was a spider that definitely looked poisonous right next to my foot. I was so close to standing on it, getting bitten and dying (and I would die. Charlie* got bitten by a spider and had to have all these tablets and I am a retard who cannot swallow tablets so I actually would have died. They need more medicine in syrup form! Kids in 3rd world countries need that because the dirty drinking water to swallow tablets will just make them sicker and I need it to! Someone should really word on that!)

Horror Story 5:
I have dark hair. For a while I had it dyed blond. (It looked good ok! I'm very pale and have blue eyes so you couldn't tell it wasn't natural!) I put a shower cap on, had my shower. I put on undies and took the shower cap off. I saw a spider in the cap. I freaked out and ran out of the room (yes in undies) and screamed "IS THERE A SPIDER IN MY HAIR?"...
"no"...
"ARE YOU SURE. IT WAS A BLACK SPIDER AND MY HAIR IS DARK LOOK CLOSER!!"...
"Your hair is blond... and there's nothing in it"...
"oh yeah..."

I have now developed a spidy sense. I know where they are. Today at work I was typing away and all of a sudden my brain went into defence mode look up.
I did. There is a spider on the roof exactly where I looked up at. I just know! (7th sense I'd say. I'll tell you about my 6th in another post soon)

If no one is home I ask randoms to kill spiders for me. I'll take a chance at getting rapped rather than having a spider in my immediate vicinity. I mean he was an old Irish man walking down the street, and I'm pretty sure I could have taken him if he had of tried to attack me. I was more likely to be able to fend him off than the spider.


My front door always has spiders there are I constantly check before going in at night. Many times I have found huge spiders, and I wish posting this at home so that I could show you just how big- I have a photo somewhere.
I diligently check every night when I arrive because I'd rather know it was there and jump the fence and go in the back door, than be fumbling with my keys and have a spider fall on me! Luckily usually I'm with Cameron and if there is a spider it is dealt with and I once again have access to my front door.
I get really excited when it rains (which isn't often enough) because that means the spider that builds a web every night between my house and the Foxtel Cable will get drowned out and die.

Last Saturday for the first time EVER I did not inspect the door for spiders. I'll admit we had been drinking and it was dark. We just wanted to get inside, eat some greasy left over pizza to soak up some of the alcohol and stumble into bed.
So I began to pull open the door. Something moved. My brain told me I'm pretty sure metal should not move independently on its own
And my brain was right. It shouldn't.
I didn't.
There was a spider in the corner of the door frame so when I opened the door it moved. I slammed the door shut and freaked out.
Me: "WHY DID YOU LET ME OPEN IT? THIS IS WHY I CHECK SEE WHAT HAPPENS???"


I saw this:











Cameron: "Calm down, just open the door"
He saw this:











By this time I was back out in the drive way.
Me: "You open it"
I threw my keys at him and he opened the door. I made him hold it open for me on spider watching duty while I ran inside.
Cameron had lost track of the spider. I was not impressed. WHAT IF IT WAS ON ME?
So of course the only logical thing to do was to drunkenly take off all my clothes because obviously that's where the spider was hiding. I threw them in a pile in the hall, tossed out my hair and ran away.
In the morning there was no sign of the spider, on the door or in the clothes. I made the right move.

Tell me your spider horror stories but not to much detail I can already feel them crawling on me from writing this much.... I'm off to lunch and I'm going out the deliveries entrance of work so I don't have to pass under the spider!



*All names have been replaced in accordance with this post